Simply Existing

&&After All Is Said And Done

2009-01-27T09:36:00.000-08:00

"You see you can't just play with people's feelings.
Tell them you love them- and don't mean it.
You'll probably say that it was juvenile.
But I think that I deserve to smile."

See I want to write a poem on how I feel right now. But I can't. I don't know how. Don't even know what to say considering the fact that I don't even know what to do with myself. I'm tired. Tired of life. Tired of love. Jazmine Sullivan said "I'm not scared to perform at a sold out affair, but I'm scared of loving you. Am I the only one who thinks it's an impossible task? Why it won't last? Is that too much to ask? Why do we love love, when love seems to hate us?" It couldn't be said any better. Well I'll cut it here. All I can say is that it was coo while it lasted. Back to the norm right? I just need to go impair my judgement. Bye for now.

Britney Williams

2008-12-16T13:32:00.000-08:00

i look at you and i admit to myself that- yeah, it's true
you may very well be at your peak
because you once smelled of potential
but now you reek- of "sell-out" "toogoodtocall" and "full of excuses"
and i've been mis-used and abused by you
fooled by you- dropped picked up and thrown down by you
so if it's cool by you
i'm going to dust myself off and watch as my frankenstein enjoys her 15 minutes of fame
cuz what goes up must come down
and as much as i enjoyed watching you destroy
not only yourself but me as well
i am very much anticipating watching this plane fall
50,000 feet from the sky
nah, i'm not spiteful see
i just wish you'd get your head out the clouds
because you've already missed what living right is all about
i've been searching for a way to say- politely
that you've replaced family and friends
and surrounded yourself with sneakerheads and hypebeasts
contacts, tattoos, and 10deep shirts won't pay for your bills
piercings, mohawks, and thursday night clubbing will not get you a job
i've bent over backwards to put gas in that tank
i did my share of pushin' boats
and smellin' like trees to put them trues on your ass and them j's on your feet
so when you falland you realize there's noone around to pick you up
maybe then you'll learn that i don't do what i do to please everyone else
and because you are my own frankenstein
i've changed and rearranged after taking a better look at myself
so- know that everyone that you've stepped on to get where you're at
is just waiting for the moment that you fall
and hoping that you realize that
you're selfish-ignorant-arrogant&&unthankfuleveryone-
except for me
because i promised you-
almost 3 years ago that i'd always be here if you were ever in need.
but like i said-
i guess change starts with me

Just A Thought

2008-08-06T03:01:00.001-07:00

'to the left to the left, if you wanna leave
be my guest- you can step'

so you wanted to try me on for a size
and it wasn't before after you seen me for the first time
in a long time that you realized
that maybe your hand didn't fit so perfectly in mine
and my rugged rudeness followed by the presence of manners
it doesn't throw you off as much anymore does it?

-see the other day, you spoke of how people usually notice when you're upset
and honestly, in all honesty; you made me feel like shit
cuz see, i felt as though you placed me in the same category as all the others
and honestly, in all honesty; those others really don't mean shit
like i said before, they're eyes are ignorant
they see what they want to-

my 'idontgive a fuck' attitude is still here
i still don't give two shits and if people don't like me they can suck my dick
and bandaids still don't heal
there's no bandaid big enough to cover up the scars that you left behind
so even hiding these invisible cuts are out of the question
i loved how we finished eachothers sentences
and how we had more inside jokes than a couple of 10 years
and i actually felt like you meant it when you said noone fit half as much as you and i did
and the random giggles; i miss them a lot
i guess the butterflies just stopped tickling you huh?

we'll live

2008-08-06T02:54:00.000-07:00

"i'll live"

no more "30 minutes before it's time to wake up" phone calls
no more texts every other minute
no more agitation due to lost signals and late aim responses
no more butterflies; at least in your case

yeah, you'll live
won't take long to forget right?

"i'll live"

no more writers block
no more 'nothing, neverminds'
no more Giants and weather changes
no more listening to that whiny ass voice; that just happens to be cute to me

yeah, I'll live
but unlike you, I won't forget

chasing pavements

2008-08-04T00:29:00.001-07:00

"Should I give up, or should I just keep chasing pavements?"

My everyday routines cycle; when it comes to you
Different day, same story
Recycled endings, none of them fairy tale
Still I wait patiently;
but between you and me, I don't really know what it is I'm waiting for
I've gotten the closure that I needed
I was given everything neccessary for me to realize that;
I'm just not your 'princess' charming
I walked through the fire to get to the castle
Hoping you'd let me save you
Instead youlaughed in my face
I wasn't what you were hoping for; this time the frog didn't turn into barbie ken
After you turned me away
Secretly I hid behind the bushes to watch you further
Your beauty amazes me
It's clear to you; every now and then we catch eyes
The way I feel for you is simply not going to change
You see that; as does everyone else
It gets to you and you don't know why
To tell you the truth, neither do I
I'm simply a matter lacking importance
Everytime we lock eyes
I feel your feeling intertwine with mine
And everytime you realize it's happening, you once again pull away
I'm not your 'princess' charming
Today has ended as the past 384 hours of my life have
Just another recycled ending
But I choose not to end the story
In hopes that tomorrow might have the fairy tale ending that i've been longing for

mason ellis delos reyes layug

2008-08-04T00:28:00.000-07:00

Today, I looked at him and I told myself that God took his time on every detail
His perfectly round eyes and his curly brown hair; everything is exactly how it's supposed to be
I held his tiny hand in mine and traced over each line our father carved into his palms
As he listened to the sound of my guitar
A smile formed on his precious face
It's a shame that his innocence will slowly begin to fade
As time passes and he ages
Everything that is beautiful now will later become another piece of this not so beautiful world

I held him in my arms as I took a step outside
Everything amazes his beautiful brown eyes
I put him down to walk on his own, and as he fell to the floor
He cried out for me to pick him up and kiss his cuts;
He looked for me to comfort him as what he once seen as beautiful turned on him
I'll continue to cherish these moments that I can hold him close
Because it won't be long before he'll have to get up on his own

As his day came to an end and I put him to sleep,
He smiled one last time before he shut his eyes to rest
One thing I know for sure is that he'll sleep well
Without any worries
I'll shelter him from this chaos as long as possible
This world isn't fit for a king like him

another night of thinking

2008-07-30T09:24:00.000-07:00

okay, so I got left with a mouth full of cavities and a tube of Orajel.
so what? -the cookie was soooooo worth it

but these
mixed emotions are uncontrollably getting a hold of me
and, what i thought i could contain within myself is slowly finding a way to bleed through
not only my skin, because skin can easily be hidden,
but has stained onto the clothing on my back for everyone to see
change your clothes- simple solution
but my thoughts of you have a distinct smell that even bleach can't get rid of
and if that isn't enough,
every time we speak my mind refuses to rest and it begins to read every thought
that i think you're having at that very second,
or everything that you're not having
either way i'm restless

i've tried to let go of the butterflies that you regret
but it would be impractical; at least in my eyes
because they see differently than everyone else's
remember, you are the worlds greatest con-artist
it would be pointless to allow people with ignorant sight to see the beauty of these
now wingless creatures
because they would never appreciate the butterfly;
down to the forewings that you've plucked off
because you felt they should have never flown out
and as you left the wings still flapping next to the abdomen
i picked them up to count each and every vein left with no blood to pump through

restless
i don't know how else to put it
lastnight i tried to keep myself from telling you how i felt at that very moment
because i knew that the moment that i did that, you'd end up running away
why do i continue to try and touch something of your essence
when my imperfections will only become part of the tainted scenery in which you stand
my mind is racing
my body is tired
i'm restless
i'll just keep my distance and secretly count the veins on the forewings that you plucked off the butterflies that you unintentionally let escape
and leave my butterflies flying out there to remind you that my feelings haven't faded

the world's greatest con-artist

2008-07-29T23:12:00.000-07:00

she's refined and redefined the following;
perfection, beauty, and misconception.
she's so much more than what you see
she's the world's greatest con-artist

her smiles are much more than what is visible to your ignorant eyes
while they tell you the simplicities of happiness of the current
they tell me stories
they've spilled her life story; unintentionally of course

her eyes are so much more than what your mind can handle
while they're what you look into while you try and capture the beauty of the moment
they're what I look through to help me realize that while she's smiling, and her eyes are pleasant;
happy
they're really in desperate need of a shoulder to cry on
i would catch every tear with my flawed hands which are not only unworthy of touching her porcelain skin
but are also aware of their imperfections
they are hesitant to touch because of the fear of tainting her beauty

she's gorgeous
she is the world's greatest con-artist

just for fun

2008-07-27T19:05:00.000-07:00

gettin this hurt off my chest through this paper and pen is critical
get the words right; never miss a beat
hold nothing back; nothing
that's how I ended up where i'm at now
by holding back nothing
i wish this was something like a nothing
no. not a chance.
you're more than just a pretty girl with good convo
who's good with white sheets with blue lines stained with her ink
i was more than just a girl who made you smile and appreciated you and our
time consumed more than you know
see... if i looked like her it would be a different story wouldn't it?
no. i'm not gorgeous. i'm not even okay.
but my words were genuine; along with my thoughts
these thoughts of you circle me.
i wish you didnt but, you have me surrounded
as much as i want you to stay
i know you can't wait to go
like i said; you're just out of my league
and now what?
i'm left with nothing but a stained piece of paper and a mouth full of cavities

p.s.

i just don't think it's fair how you played those games
because i really was diggin you
i pray that you never feel the way that i feel now
because now i'm left with these cavities
but slowly i'll begin to get these cavities filled
and once they're filled, i'll remember to never again
take a bite of these tempting cookies

cookies

2008-07-25T14:06:00.000-07:00

"i think we've got something special
girl you and me, together we'll take over the world
you know i like you
i need you so
so happy i just wanna let everybody know"
-usher

she got me feelin' like the cavity is worth a bite of the cookie
somethin' like a loud secret; the irony of it all is bitter sweet
if she had a dollar for every time she heard the words
"i like you 'cuz you're real"
she'd be rich enough to quit her day job
if i had a dollar for every time i've felt this way about a girl;
and admitted it to her
i'd be living on the streets
'cuz cookies and toothaches come hand in hand
you can't have one and not the other

is this cookie worth the risk of ending up with a cavity?
yes. it is.
yes. she is.

me

2008-07-25T13:44:00.000-07:00

"i've got you down to your very breath
and as much as you are deathly afraid of falling yet again
i'm almost as scared as you are;
you intimidate me

the fact that you have more control over my smiles than i do
blows my mind
when we "speak", i can almost imagine the facial expression you're wearing at the very second that you say nothing at all
so you asked the fortune cookie and it told you to ask the egg roll?
well you should have asked the egg roll because i'm sure that it would have helped you reassure yourself
considering the fact that you wanted it to be a secret
like the weather
but i managed to get you to slip into releasing yet another butterfly
and as you slowly begin to let the butterflies fly like they're meant to
i catch them and keep them selfishly
only because the beauty of it all amazes me

amazes me almost as much as the fact that you're you
and i'm me
who would have though right

wait.
nothing.
nevermind.

let's keep it plain and simple
i like you
and as much as you thought it was a secret
i know you like me too
no cockiness at all
it's just that i've got you down to your very breath
and i know you're deathly afraid of falling yet again
but guess what?

nothing.
nevermind.

so how 'bout them Giants?"
-Me

her

2008-07-25T13:43:00.000-07:00

"so I wanted to try you on for size
&it turns out
I love how your hand fit perfectly in mine
&what can I say?
I'm simply taken by your rugged rudeness
yet the presence of your manners still throws me off-
in a good way, of course.
Weird how
all the little things I prefer-
are found in you,
down to the dimples&
"Idon'tgiveafuck" attitude.
Even crazier that-
my confidence doesn't phase you;
you know that I'm deathly afraid to get hurt once more...
&that I'm totally aware of these band aids that don't heal-
that simply cover up the scars until the adhesives wear out.
What a silly hopeless attempt,
that you seem to see right through.

Honestly,
in all honesty,
I'm too scared to enjoy how we finish each other's sentences
or be content with the fact that we have more inside jokes
than I have ever had with anyone in my entire life,
cuz I don't wanna push you away like I have the rest.
Although they were coo,
we just didn't fit-
not even half as much as how me & you do.
I've pushed down the butterflies til their wings tickle the crevices of my insides.
Which is why I randomly giggle.

wait.
nothing.
nevermind.

(so when I went to Virgin mobile & asked the fortune cookie if I liked you
it told me to try the egg roll.
Do I like you?)
Hmm...
So how about them Giants?

I'll never admit it.
it'll be our little secret.
Like the change in weather,
&the phone number I call you on
Even though you're all over myspace & away messages.
So I guess I'll let a butterfly or two out with this poem
that I've been holding in for quite some time-
&see how kindly you react to them."
-Her

that hype

2008-07-25T13:23:00.000-07:00

she's on that- stomach in your throat
smile more than you've ever had to
couldn't stop even if you wanted to
every word counts
don't sleep 'til your minutes start- hype

they're on that- you're hella cute
i love your writing
girl you got steeze
and damn your realness is amazing- hype

i'm on that- thought i could make it through your nap without calling or texting you and barely made it past the ten minute mark
kinda wanna tell you... nothing... nevermind...
bite my tongue because i'm walking too fast
the complete essence of you amazes me- hype

funny thing about it is that
either way you turn
no one is really on the same level
so please... get on my hype

creators

2008-07-19T19:10:00.000-07:00

"i'm stuck in a coma
stuck in a never ending sleep
some day I will wake up
and realize I made up everything"

never wanted to believe i had a problem
so i spoke of you and i spoke of him and i spoke of her; but never of me
putting on everyone else what i see in my own reflection
tensions build as i try to grasp hold of what's left
what's left of my dreams and my love has formed into shattered glass
and i try to keep it in a closed grip
firm and secure
but your lies bleed through the cuts that have formed in these hands
from trying to hold tight but somehow everything just keeps slipping away
like the grains of sand that fall from beneath these creators
no matter how carefully you cup them
somehow it finds a way to seep through
my hands, my creators;
they are full of deceit
don't trust them

dramatis personae

2008-07-18T21:12:00.000-07:00

perpetual lies envelop themselves around me
eyes wide open yet i can do all but see
lips steady moving but all that is available for me to express...
are whimpers
as i turn my head i begin to find that what is around me is all too familiar
my fantasies
they are her realities

but who is this dramatis personae?
all that is her is alluring
captivating.
spellbinding.
immeasurably incredulous.
yet there she is.
right in front of me
and still all that i am able to let out is a whimper

the radiance of her smile is enough to light my entire life
she is... for lack of a better word
perfect
so how is it possible that she is breathing the same air
as my imperfections
am i lucky enough to be living in her presence?
would it be too much for me to ask her to look my way?
just a glance
maybe a smile
or a simple but incredible hello?

someone...
please tell me how this is possible.